all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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