I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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