He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
