Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
