I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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