Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
