We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
