Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
