She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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