he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
