Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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