she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
