He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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