ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
