I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
