I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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