Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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