I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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