That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize