So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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