I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
