dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
