I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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