ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize