hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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