You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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