We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
