Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize