At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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