Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
