Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Randomize
