Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
