if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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