My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
