last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i will never coherently bang her
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
