I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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