I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
