just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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