he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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