we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
if i can run in heels then i can drive
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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