apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
