Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
