just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
