it's too hot outside to masturbate.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
