just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
