thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
