and she was petting her beer can
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
