smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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