you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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