life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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