I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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