1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
