Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This house was built for laser tag.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize