she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
