you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
