Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
