I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
