Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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