Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
