he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
