I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
